The holiday season is a time often filled with joy, bright lights, and laughter. But it can also be a time of stress, heightened emotions, and unexpected tension—especially when family is involved. From the moment you step through the front door of your parents’ house, it’s as though you’ve entered a time machine that pulls you back into the roles and dynamics from years ago. And suddenly, you’re not only juggling holiday chaos—you’re also grappling with why your brother still knows exactly how to push your buttons.
Why do so many of us feel this way during the holidays? And is there anything we can do to avoid slipping into old habits and reactions? Let’s explore.
Why the Holidays Amplify Our Emotions
Between packed travel schedules, high expectations, and endless to-do lists, the holidays are already ripe for stress. But the added layer of family interactions can elevate these emotions to a whole other level.
According to Christina Hesselbrock, LCSW and Clinical Director of The Meadowglade Treatment Center, many of our responses are rooted in how we’ve been conditioned from a young age. “Social conditioning plays a big role,” she explains. “From a young age, we learn how to interact with our family members based on past experiences. These learned behaviors can be automatic, leading you to unconsciously adopt your childhood persona.”
When combined with the heightened financial and emotional stress of traveling, buying gifts, and sharing spaces, it’s no wonder emotions run high.
Why We Revert to Childhood Roles with Family
Picture this: You’re a successful adult who makes independent decisions at work every day, yet when you reunite with family, you suddenly feel like a rebellious teenager or the responsible older sibling again. Why is this so common?
This tendency to “revert” during family gatherings can be explained by the concept of family systems. Every family operates as a system, with each member playing specific roles. These roles often form during childhood—whether you were the protector, the peacemaker, or the black sheep—and can stick with you into adulthood.
“Family members often have specific ways of communicating with each other that can be reminiscent of childhood interactions,” says Hesselbrock. “This might include inside jokes, specific phrases, or even gestures that trigger those old dynamics.”
When you’re surrounded by the people who were instrumental in shaping your identity, it can unconsciously prompt you to slip back into those familiar roles.
Strategies for Managing Behaviors During Family Gatherings
Breaking free from these old dynamics doesn’t have to feel impossible. Here are some strategies to help you stay grounded and manage interactions more effectively:
- Set Boundaries Early: Whether it’s limiting the amount of time spent at gatherings or avoiding certain topics of discussion, clear boundaries can help you avoid tension.
- Prepare Mentally: Before heading into a situation, remind yourself of who you are now—not the child you once were. Visualize yourself responding calmly and confidently in potentially frustrating moments.
- Practice Self-Care: Make space for self-care during the holidays. Whether it’s an early morning walk, a meditation session, or stepping outside for a few quiet moments, taking care of yourself will help you manage stress.
- Don’t Be Afraid to Pause: Feel yourself about to react emotionally? Take a pause and gather your thoughts before responding.
Psychological Factors Behind Family Triggers
On a deeper level, many of the triggers we experience with family come down to unresolved emotions and unmet needs from the past. Family interactions often tap into those raw, vulnerable layers of ourselves that we may not even be fully aware of.
“Your identity is often shaped by your family and childhood experiences,” explains Hesselbrock. “When you’re with family, it can prompt a reconnection with those aspects of your identity, leading you to behave in ways that reflect your younger years.”
Additionally, the stress of wanting to be understood or avoiding judgment from family members amplifies our reactions. Things like criticism, unsolicited advice, or subtle comparisons can trigger feelings of inadequacy or frustration, even when the intent isn’t malicious.
Is It Ever Okay Not to Attend a Family Gathering?
The holidays are often painted as a time for togetherness, but what happens when the idea of being with family feels like more harm than good? Is it acceptable to opt out?
Hesselbrock provides an important perspective here. “If the gathering consistently involves arguments, verbal abuse, or other harmful behaviors, it’s acceptable to prioritize your mental health by not attending.”
Note:
There are several other acceptable reasons for choosing not to attend a family gathering:
- Mental health concerns: If you are experiencing high levels of stress or anxiety that could be exacerbated by a large family gathering, it’s okay to decline.
- Conflicting commitments: If you have a major work obligation, important personal appointment, or travel plans that overlap with the family gathering, it’s understandable to miss it.
- Geographical distance: If you live far away and attending would require significant travel time and expense, it’s not necessarily required to attend every gathering.
- Personal boundaries: You have the right to set boundaries with your family and choose which events you participate in.
Choosing not to attend doesn’t mean you don’t care about your family—it means you’re prioritizing well-being. If this resonates with you, consider communicating your decision clearly and politely.
If possible, suggest alternative ways to connect with family members, such as a phone call or video chat. Being open about your reasons and suggesting other ways to engage can often lead to more understanding and acceptance from family members.
When to Seek Professional Help
While most of us experience some level of tension around the holidays, it’s important to recognize when it’s time to seek professional support. If difficult family dynamics are causing serious distress, anxiety, or depression that seems to linger well beyond the holidays, a licensed therapist can help unpack those underlying feelings and patterns.
There’s no shame in asking for help. Therapy can offer tools for managing triggers while also helping you build healthier relationships with family moving forward.
Wrapping Up the Holidays
The holidays don’t have to feel like an emotional rollercoaster. Understanding why family dynamics can feel so intense—and equipping yourself with tools to manage them—can help you approach gatherings with confidence and clarity.
Remember, it’s okay to prioritize your well-being during the holiday season. The most important thing is finding a balance that feels healthy for you. If you need support, seeking professional advice or talking with someone who understands what you’re going through can be invaluable.
This year, why not take the time to reflect, reset, and decide how you want to show up—both for loved ones and, most importantly, for yourself?